I can tell you really want to do well by your kid, but you're having a rough time. Sorry to hear that. I'm going to ignore the threats of physical violence, which I think you understand would only make things worse, and just point out a couple of things:

>...punishments that seem to be showing no signs of improvement in her behavior.

You should stop punishing her. If it's not working, it's not working. Find something other way to modify her behaviour, which is a topic way to big for a comment in reddit. You could start by taking online parenting courses. I've gone through bits of the Yale courses on Coursera and they helped a lot.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

>...she's had to throw away her coloring books, art supplies, etc., because she can't quit coloring on things she's not supposed to...

Think about this a second. She was coloring things she wasn't supposed to color, and your response included throwing away the things she was allowed to color in the first place. Can you see how a child of 7 might get super-confused by that punishment? It doesn't even provide a path forward for better behaviour.

I've found half of parenting is just putting myself in my kid's shoes and saying, "What would make sense to me? What would get me to act differently." If the kid colors on the walls, is it because she likes to color? Then I'd buy more supplies, not less, and just affirm over-and-over that coloring is for those.

If it rather seems intentional, to provoke you, I'd stop rewarding her behaviour with any reaction. Just an emotionless "we don't color on this wall" then ask for help cleaning up.

Instead, she behaved a certain way and got a big, dramatic confrontation with her parents. In her mind, this is better than nothing. Shoot, it demonstrates you care! You might as well have told her coloring on the walls is a great idea.

IDK, I don't think you're too far off, mostly because you recognize that there are issues. I really think some parenting courses with a few strategies could help you over the hump.

Parenting course that you can audit for free

Free Yale Course on Parenting

I was browsing the internet for parenting resources (outside of reddit of course), and I ran across a free Yale course on parenting through Coursera. I made sure their wasn't a paywall, and it seems to be really free. Professor, Dr. Alan Kazdin teaches the course, here's a blurb from his wikipedia:

"Alan Edward Kazdin is a research professor of Psychology and Child Psychiatry at Yale University. He is a Sterling Professor emeritus and was the director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic. Kazdin's research has focused primarily on the treatment of aggressive and antisocial behavior in children. "

And here's the link:

Coursera Link

Hope someone finds this useful!

For pregnancy: What to expect when you're expecting is helpful and the week by week guide at babycentre (https://www.babycenter.ca/pregnancy) is fun to follow along to.
For parenting: Coursera's Yale course (free to audit) on parenting (https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting), The Wonder Weeks is an unnecessary but sanity-saving book, The Happiest Baby on the Block is great for teaching swaddling and how to soothe an infant, and I'm sure there are so many others.
The most important practical thing you can do, honestly, is make sure your partner has water. For most of my wife's pregnancy and all throughout breastfeeding, my main duty was to make sure her pitcher of water was full. It's thirsty work being a mom, like you wouldn't believe.

Free Yale Online course for Parents of Toddlers through Adolescents

Just a quick reply that I hope might help: attend the ABC parenting course on Coursera! It has totally changed our life with a high need, strong willed energetic 4 year old!! https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

It is still a lot of work all day long but after one week of using the tools only from the first section we have a much happier and more easy going child.

Don't forget to take care of yourselves as well before you are totally run down. Your child needs happy, well rested parents. Any change (for example stopping breastfeeding) might be hard for 2-3 days but kids adapt and forget so quickly.

Good luck with everything.

Yes it is. Here is a link https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

>then as consequences (no dessert that night/being put in time out/spanking/ being grounded

Using food, especially sweets, as a punishment or reward is something that fosters an unhealthy relationship with food and eating.

Spanking is not effective beyond the immediate moment and has serious long term negative side effects (resentment, aggression, lack of self esteem among others) and the consensus among scientists and doctors is that it is never recommended.

>that makeup incident earned her a week long grounding

Longer/harsher punishments are no more effective than short punishments; they simply amplify the negative effects of punishment without any benefit. (Those are resentment, lying and avoidance, breakdown of the relationship, self esteem issues, etc.) That is to say, a punishment that is a week long is no more effective than a punishment that is a day long (or in a 4 year old's case, half an hour long), but it will amplify all the problem behaviors you're now complaining about.

Punishment also does not teach or encourage a kid to do what you want; it's entire focus is on what you don't want.

Punishment is simply not very effective and evidence-based behaviorist models suggest keeping punishment to a minimum and focusing strongly on positive reinforcement of the behaviors you do want. Getting angry and then instituting harsher punishments is just going to put you in a vicious back-and-forth cycle with your daughter while getting you nowhere.

All this to say, do what u/faceinabush suggested and find an empirically-supported parenting program like the one they recommended at Coursera.

Check out this free online course:

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

One strategy that work well with our two kid was to avoid giving finicky eating too much attention. Parental attention functions as positive reinforcement, so it is good to avoid giving finicky eating more attention than you give to healthy eating. Unfortunately, many parents seem to have a natural inclination to focus the bulk of their attention on unwanted behaviors. Ellyn Satter's feeding strategy has the effect of reducing the tendency to react to picky eating with attention. Parent Management Training (PMT), the most studied and most effective parenting method according to randomized controlled trials, trains parents react to wanted behaviors with positive attention and to react to unwanted behaviors that are harmless in the short run with planned ignoring. Here is an link to a course that teaches a version of PMT that is effective for finicky eating:

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

The course method has a track record of effectiveness at addressing finicky eating. We used the methods taught in this course.

Look up Yale’s course “the abcs of child rearing”

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

The book “how to talk so little kids listen “ is also a great resource.

Positive reinforcement and making everything into a game seem to be the most effective method with kids.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

The above is a free course from Yale University. It’s all online and provides a lot of valuable information regarding child rearing techniques and how to help/create new habits. Even if you don’t get through the entire course I think there is a lot of good info that everyone can apply to their life with toddlers and kids.

Good luck with that. My wife can't say no to our son and doesn't want to 'hurt him'. I have a system of consequences (for example, throw a toy that's not a ball, toys are not for throwing, toy goes on timeout). It's not perfect, but I try to keep it consistent and I usually do what I say.

When I am alone with our son, we have great peace. Consequences rarely have to occur. Sometimes he tests his boundaries. Personally I feel this is 'hurting him' less but YMMV.

When we share responsibilities, it's a real nightmare. My wife announces consequences that never occur, repeats requests endlessly, and does stuff for him he knows bloody to do himself. She tries to placate when he throws tantrums. Then he feels unfairly punished when I say throw the toy again and it goes timeout, he does and it does. Then there are big tears ... daddy took my toy away ... FML

See if he is willing to do the Everyday Parenting course. It may be easier when the advice comes from an expert that's not you.

Here are some techniques you can use, and they work. Wayching these short videos was the best time investment of my (parenting) life: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting/home/welcome

If you want some reading material https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting and the book How to Talk So Kids Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

How dismissive! The kid will only get bigger and stronger.

You have many options left.

Educate yourself and the bio parents about the Kazdin method for handling DEFIANT children. Alan Kazdin wrote the book The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills.

In addition, read 1-2-3 Magic about disciplining difficult kids age 2-12 years. (See also How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King. It works on adults too.)

There is also Nigel Latta's Politically Incorrect Parenting: Before Your Kids Drive You Crazy, Read This!

Or try Parent Management Training (PMT): https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting and see wikipedia.

There is a book called The Explosive Child.

I recommend this course: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

I'm going to second the "don't" crowd. It's really challenging even in ideal situations. Just realize, she can drop you out of this kids life for no cause at all. There are a few threads about that here. But if you do it, I suggest you study up:

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

> Yale ABCs of Child Rearing

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

We are in the same boat with the same experiences... only advice I can offer is to focus more on rewards/goals (proactive approach) and less on punishments in the moment (reactive and seem to have no impact for us either). As a disclaimer this goes against my instincts as a parent, however it is the advice received from professionals.

Also this course from Yale (free online) is helpful...”everyday“ parenting is the title but is focused on behavior modification tactics

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Not a book but found it very useful:

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Spirited kids can be tough no matter what you do, but it sounds like you may just need small adjustments to what you're already doing to get better results. Praise is the number one motivator for changing behavior in a neurotypical child, and it's something I don't see you mention at all in your post.

Try the free Yale parenting course on Coursera, I found it really helpful: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Yale University offers a highly recommended and well-reviewed parenting course, and it’s completely free.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

This parenting course from Yale is free, and it’s really highly recommended around here!

Our oldest was like this too. What fixed it was restructuring everything about how we interacted with him. We started with this course: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Since you mention specifically wanting to learn from experts: This is a free online course (registration required) taught by a professor of child psychology at Yale: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

He also has books if you prefer reading to watching: https://alankazdin.com/books/

This course from Coursera have a lot of resources.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

Take a look: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting/ . It's an amazing free course by a Yale psychologist specializing on solving behavioral issues.

Two strikes against him so far, just in a single day: (1) he smacked your child, (2) when you called him out on it, instead of apologizing he gave you the silent treatment.

This man has no clue how to manage his own anger.

He needs to learn. Could you look for anger management classes in your area? Parenting classes in your area or online (for instance: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting)? Couples counseling? He needs to start doing the work to change, or else it would be better for you guys to be away from him.

I often hear this free online class from yale recommended for this kind of thing - https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

I think one of the key things is to ignore the behaviour you want to discourage and strongly encourage the behaviour you want. So when the tantrum starts just calmly remove yourself from the situation and when she is behaving well point out what you like. Easier said than done, eh!

I disagree with many of the people here. You can do this and in a positive and reinforcing manor. It will take effort, and would be better from your Mom than from you, but it should still work just fine. It might not be worth the time if he is moving out soon, as its a slower processes, but one with lasting effects. Put the time in now and it will have a lasting outcome. One very hard component of this is that you must be sincere and never condescending. (it can be tricky to not be condescending as the sister but its important). You need to plan a "Prompt", "desired behavior", and a "Consequence"

You have to identify the behavior you want changed. Specifically. In this case, clean dishes after himself. The prompt is simple, there are dirty dishes around. When he cleans them up and washes them, you have to celebrate it this is the "consequence", not jumping up and down or anything silly, but make an honest and thankful verbal comment that he can hear and understand where you recognizing the behavior you want. (simple stuff, "Thanks for washing those dishes", "thanks for clearing those cups", etc nothing crazy but must be honest and sincere) Touch is often recommended with this, a high five, actual pat on the back, shoulder squeeze, something light and casual, tied to the positive thankful comment. (A tossed candy works as an alternative to the touch depending on your relationship, a Hershey's kiss, dove chocolate, or something similarly small you know he likes. You can get creative, there are plenty of none contact options out there.) It will honestly feel silly doing it at first, but over time if your consistent it will have the positive affect you want.

Ok, there is a problem, he never actually does the behavior you want in the first place. You need to use a tool called Simulation. This can be a bit harder as a sibling, being someones equal, or younger sibling its going to be a trick. However you can probably get your mom to help. Simulation is making a situation to simulate the prompt and behavior you want, so you can do the positive reinforcement. You can team up with your mom to have her make him do something, and you can add the positive reinforcement. Once the ball starts rolling it will cascade and grow.

I'm a big fan of "Everyday Parenting", the tools it teaches work on kids of all ages, and adults. I found the same practices that work on my kids work on my employees. It even works when someone knows about it, and knows your doing it. I had an employee train on it and now does it with her direct reports with positive results, and knows I'm doing it with her, but it doesn't mater. Because at its hart you are being honest and sincere, if your condescending, cynical, nagging, etc it wont work. Also, a side effect is that it has a net increase in general happiness and positivity.

This actually draws from some known aspects of influence/persuasion, the positive reinforcement falls under "Reciprocity", this only works if your consistent, its expected that your also doing the correct positive behavior which falls under "social proof". These tools work from all angles and can get far more complicated, but are worth the time and effort to learn and apply.

Yale ABCs of parenting is a free course and provides evidence based strategies that work. We're all a little fucked up from people winging it based on their gut feeling, and having two people argue what's right and setting inconsistent boundaries with kids will just confuse them. Better an imperfect compromise than a perfect war.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

You've gotten some great advice. I wanted to suggest this free online class on Coursera created by a professor at Yale
https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

I'll second the Janet Lansbury recommendations too. I relate to her parenting style, and it sounds like what you're aiming for, gentle parenting with natural consequences.

Parenthood is a journey, and some days are better than others, be gracious with yourself

Do you have friends with kids that are similar ages? If I'm encountering a specific problem, hearing what works for others can be helpful, sometimes it works with my kids sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it works one day but not the next. Sometimes it doesn't work for that specific problem but the advice is helpful later for a different problem. Sometimes just venting is enough to help me figure out what to do. I'm not an expert, but have kids of a similar ages if you want to message me.

Give this a try.

https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting

If you feel that you have tried everything, maybe you can seek help from a professional.

check this out. Keep in mind that disorders are not sicknesses. Behavioural issues are also considered disorders.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/oppositional-and-defiant-disorder

Sometimes parent-child therapy can be useful.

https://effectivechildtherapy.org/concerns-symptoms-disorders/disorders/rule-breaking-defiance-and-acting-out/

OP,

Call the cops and CPS every time he assaults you.

Your parents allow entirely too much violence when you are in their custody. Either you or your brother must live elsewhere starting ASAP.

Show the list below to BOTH parents.

While they read the list or ignore it, call the cops and then CPS to report today's assault. Tell both the cops and CPS that your parents routinely fail to protect you from your brother's assults.

...

...

The child needs to experience some hardships and some "natural consequences." Start making the kid play a team sport EVERY TERM. That will leave less time and energy for tricks and stunts. (Throw in a musical instrument and a foreign language if you can afford lessons.)

Educate yourself about the Kazdin method for handling DEFIANT children. Alan Kazdin wrote the book The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills. In addition, read 1-2-3 Magic about disciplining difficult kids age 2-12 years. (See also How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King. It works on adults too.) There is also Nigel Latta's Politically Incorrect Parenting: Before Your Kids Drive You Crazy, Read This! Or try Parent Management Training (PMT): https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting and see wikipedia.

...

...

Or send the child away to wilderness camp or boarding school or residential treatment.

[I left home at age 15 years, and it was the IDEAL stage for me to begin honoring myself and my own personal preferences outside of my parents' religious fundamentalism.]

Young people become more grounded by hiking and camping away from the distractions of modern life. After weeks outdoors in the wilderness humping a backpack, eating trail mix, and pissing behind bushes, THEY APPRECIATE THE COMFORTS OF HOME. (Recall how much you loved your childhood bedroom after freshman fall term in the dorms?)

NOLS wilderness classes are well respected at 16+ locations worldwide. Consider Outward Bound's "intercept" program (cheap, zero abuse). Wilderness therapy programs AND residential treatment centers for teens are discussed on reddit.com at /r/troubledteens (very expensive, higher probability of abuse). FOR EXAMPLE, True North Wilderness Program in Vermont has been deemed non-abusive by redditors who attended as teens. It is for people ages 14-17 or 18-25. True North is not an academic program. https://truenorthwilderness.com

Elements Wilderness program provides wilderness therapy (hiking with a backpack and counselors for 2-3 months) to male teens AND fe/male young adults over 18 who have psychiatric problems. https://www.elementswilderness.com/

Pure Life Adventure (by Aspiro) takes teens and young adults to Costa Rica for hiking, surfing, meditation, and therapy regarding depression, drug use, etc. https://www.purelifeadventure.com/

Blue Ridge Wilderness Therapy combines hiking and drug rehab.

YMCA summer camps get kids out of the house while next steps are planned.

The National Guard's "Youth Challenge Program" helps boys and girls ages 16-18 years (physical training and GED education; start https://youtu.be/Qk2xx8qH53k ; end https://youtu.be/UyfAm7rkGAA ). More than 120,000 HS students had completed that program by 2015, said CBS News.

Troubled high school dropouts and teen addicts aged 16-18 can earn a GED at Florida Youth Challenge Academy. It is funded by the government. Over 25 other states have similar programs. https://youtu.be/qcR30zesksk

Inspirations teen rehab is in Fort Lauderdale. The group meetings have inspired redditors to stay clean of heroin.

A military school like Culver Academy in the midwest could instill discipline and self-reliance in a teen boy or girl. (It is a rich kid military boarding school in Indiana. No child abuse. It feeds grads into Harvard and Stanford. Students wear a uniform and a military haircut. They learn to shoot a gun and ride a horse and swim strongly and ace the SAT / ACT. Wealthy kids from Israel and Saudi Arabia win all the marksmanship medals, though.) Camden Military Academy and Marine Military Academy are solid, too. Parents of badly-behaved teen boys have been dumping them at all-male military boarding schools like Fork Union since the 1800s. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fork_Union_Military_Academy

An expensive Wellspring boarding school in Bethlehem, CT ("The Arch Bridge School at Wellspring") treats children with behavioral, psychiatric, and emotional health issues. http://wellspring.org

The Grove School in CT claims to do the same, but search reddit for the honest truth from current / recent students about sexual harassment between students there and the quality of the college prep curriculum. http://www.groveschool.org/residential/

Troubled boys age 9-15 are admitted here. http://www.littlekeswickschool.net/

Counselors at the Center for Discovery (CFD) in Stamford, CT addresses mental health problems like anorexia, self harm, suicidal ideation, and depression. It is a residential facility for teens.

The Mendota Juvenile Treatment Center serves teenage male psychopaths in Madison, WI. specialty: conduct disorders

Bayfield outside of Toronto is a Canadian boarding school for kids with behavioral problems. It charges $21k per year. Much individual attention is provided to students by teachers -- even if an upset kid is decompressing in a hallway outside of his classroom.

Redditors discuss cool camps in Canada here. https://www.reddit.com/r/NovaScotia/comments/d0jd8a/teen_adventurewilderness_camps/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

There are also therapeutic boarding schools in the UK. http://best-boarding-schools.net/therapeutic-boarding-schools

Avoid institutions on this list! http://www.heal-online.org/warn.htm

Avoid Teen Challenge programs. https://livipxp.tumblr.com/post/614582237519822848/from-2016-2017-i-was-in-an-all-girls

Avoid Utah facilities run by Mormons! https://www.reddit.com/r/troubledteens/comments/edhyrm/escaping_polygamy_priscilla_an_escapee_from/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Check out these resources. https://www.reddit.com/r/troubledteens/comments/ooomq/whats_a_parent_to_do_resources_for_parents_of/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

...

...

THERE ARE CHEAP OPTIONS.

Redditor hangingsocks posted this on March 6, 2020.

"Our kid started that shit when she was 15. Stealing cars, drinking, light drug use, sneaking out, sneaking a boy in...We packed her up over summer and sent her to different countries, a really shitty camp she hated, (it was a camp in Spain that she taught English for 14 hours a day and only cost us the flight yp get her there) basically let her be home less than 2 weeks worth of days the while time. Told her if she continued ruining our home, she would be digging toilets in Panama next time. She turned it around."

https://www.diverbo.com/ -- These language camps abroad cost airfare plus $400.

...

...

A shrink should assess the child for bipolar issues, ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, schizophrenia, etc. Better to get the right cocktail of prescribed medications before drugs and alcohol are used to treat the demons. Rx drugs can be blended into smoothies or dissolved in grape juice if the child refuses to be dosed. Ask the defiant kid's psychiatrist if Risperidone is an appropriate treatment.

The kid may be a sociopath or psychopath who is bound for prison regardless of your efforts. It is only a matter of time until the child can be tried as an adult and can be sent to jail or prison.

Getting a violent or predatory child away from victim siblings is crucial. Do it before CPS removes the violent or predatory offender and puts them in foster care or in juvenile detention.